So here we are again, in this place where the distance between us has suddenly widened due to a catalyst of which I’m not aware. Where pride is paramount and stubbornness has led to an awkward silence and neither party willing to make the first move.
I don’t get why it’s turned out like this, and I don’t see why this should’ve happened. In actual fact, I’m the one with more reason to walk away than you do; I’m the one with more excuses to say that it isn’t worth putting up with things anymore. Having stuck by as long as I have, and having endured as much as I did, I should be given a medal — an award for my continued patience to the treatment I’d received but no, this is your stuff. This is your own personal issues getting in the way and God forbid if I went and asked you, you’d actually tell me the truth.
I don’t know how I feel about this. At the moment I’m angry, but tomorrow I’ll probably feel a little sad. Actually, I don’t think I’m angry — that would imply that my feelings towards you are mainly negative. I think a better word would be is that I’m frustrated.
I’m frustrated by the fact that you’re so closed off. I’m frustrated by the fact that in your mind it was better to just cut the strings without talking to me first. I’m frustrated by the fact that even though I value what was our friendship more than I value most, that if I tried to get the full story I know the likelihood is is that you’d respond to me with an ever so polite “screw off”.
And what frustrates me most is that you’re just so frustrating in general. Incomprehensibly frustrating. Unexplainably.
Is the reason why we can’t be friends anymore because I have a greater sense of my self worth nowadays? Did you walk away because I’m not as available as I used to be and won’t drop everything I’m doing because my phone is going off? Because of the fact that if I get pissed off, I no longer feel the desire to stick around longer than I can stand and I’d rather go home and be on my own than just suck it up for the sake of feeling involved?
Every now and again, you’d say or imply that nobody cared about you, and that you don’t give a damn about anyone or even yourself. You lived and still live your life with reckless abandon and play things by ear — by the day-to-day rather than thinking about the long-term. You failed to notice the people around you who came back time after time and after incident after incident. Why would they still be there if they didn’t care? Why I have stayed if I didn’t care? Why would you have been one of the few people I asked about the moment I woke up from incubation in hospital having forgotten that before I went in, we weren’t even friends anymore?
You’re a pain, you know. I mean that honestly. You dislike people who aren’t up front but get pissed when someone builds up the gall to stand up for themselves and talk back to you. You immediately shut them down and that’s one of the biggest reasons why I personally am choosing to just accept this for what it is and not put up a fight. You are beyond reason. I can see you blowing up and calling me every name under the sun to avoid actually being honest and hashing things out like adults.
I’m tired. I’m tired of sticking up for you and justifying the things you do and have done. I’m tired of hearing about how behind my back you disrespect and make fun of me in spite of the things I’ve done for you. I’m tired of the things I’ve done without asking for anything back being disregarded and I’m tired of feeling used.
Most of all: I’m tired of feeling like I’ve been taken for granted.
I’m not going to say something as cliche as “I have a lot going on”. I do, but that isn’t the reason why I’ve given up. Until the day comes where you can function as an adult and respect the choices I’ve made as a good friend should do (unless there was something incredibly wrong that you felt the need to protect me from) I don’t see how this can be fixed. We’ve gone through the motions of love, hate, respect, resentment, and I can’t say that I’ll just forget about this and act like I never knew you.
I said you meant a lot to me. I’ve said that I see you as family. It just goes to show in the way you went about things that I was naive to think you could feel the same.
See you on the other side.