Patigasan ng puso.

7 days. 7 days na tayong hindi nag-uusap. 7 days might be a shirt period for some, but for me, who got way too attached to someone like you, 7 days is a very long time. 7 uneventful days had happened to me, and you still didn’t have an inkling that I’ve been crying myself to sleep for the past few days. Wait, scratch that, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for more than a month now and still, you didn’t do anything. Hindi na nga tayo close eh. Oo, masama ang loob ko. Kailan ba tayo huling nagkita at nagkasama? Kailan ba tayo huling nagkausap ng matino? Kailan ka ba nagpakita ng pagpapahalaga simula maging graduating ka? Graduate ka na nga at lahat, wala pa rin, what more kapag naging CPA ka na. Sige, sila na lang palagi. Ayoko na, pagod na akong ipagsiksikan ang sarili ko sa’yo.

Thank you and goodbye.

The Pain Of Being In Love With Someone You Can Never Be With

Love is a tricky thing. It varies in intensity and in the specificity of emotions. It is sometimes the most beautiful thing in the world and, at other times, it’s the most horrid thing we’ve ever come face-to-face with.

It’s odd how one thing could be the cause of so many contrary feelings. But that’s what makes love so beautiful – it’s the closest thing to perfection that exists in the world, the only thing that can easily and comfortably encompass both good and evil, beautiful and ugly.

It’s the closest thing to a flawless whole that man has ever claimed to have been part of.

When we think of love, we think of the happy kind of love, the kind that is the beginning of something beautiful – something that breathes life.

There is, however, another kind of love, a much darker and sadder kind of love. It’s the love one feels when one loves someone he or she can never and will never have.

It’s the kind of love that doesn’t signal the beginning of something beautiful, but rather the end of something that might have been beautiful, but will never amount to anything more than what it is.

Contrary to popular belief or popular wishful thinking, love doesn’t always end happily. It doesn’t always result in the joining of two people, the fusing of two lives into one.

Sometimes, on rare occasions, it results in the wedging apart of the two who love each other the most. You can love someone with all your soul and never get a chance to be with that person. Even worse, you can know that you love him or her, understanding there is no possibility that the two of you will ever be together.

Some people cannot and will not ever end up together, even if they do love each other. It’s a sad truth, but a truth, nonetheless.

The fact is, love is not enough. All those fairytales, all those stories and movies you’ve heard and watched growing up, lied to you. Love is never enough because love is not rational.

You hear that love is irrational all the time, yet you still hear the same people saying that love is enough to keep two people together.

Unfortunately, we live in a world governed by rationality, and while love may be irrational, and we may manage to make it work for some time, the real world always catches up with us and our irrational illusions dissipate into thin air.

Then we are left with reality and reality doesn’t always reason the way lovers do.

Some people don’t work out together. They have habits or beliefs that make it impossible to co-habitate with the person they love. There isn’t a couple out there that loves every little thing about one another.

Sure, they may find certain quirks cute or unique, but they don’t love them; they simply accept them. There are some people who have such habits, tendencies, or thinking patterns that really do make them incompatible with the other person.

The two may love each other fully, because remember, love isn’t rational, yet not be able to live and deal with each other forever. This is why relationships require compromise.

You’re not going to love everything about the person you are with, but you love enough about him or her to live with the things you don’t love. Not all people are willing to, or even able to, compromise. Sometimes it just doesn’t work, regardless of what our emotions tell us.

Compromising, of course, is a choice. You either choose to make it work or you choose not to. I believe this fully. As long as something doesn’t go against your nature, over time you can make it work. But there are still some cases when compromising isn’t enough.

Sometimes there are other reasons two people cannot and will not ever be together. In fact, this is usually the deciding factor of whether or not two lovers will be capable of spending their lives together: if they are able to forgive and forget.

Because love is as intense an emotion as one gets, it occasionally leads us to make poor choices – choices that are hurtful to the ones we love.

They may be poor calls of judgment, lies we told or things we said. When it comes to love, our pasts haunt us. We move from relationship to relationship, hauling all that luggage we managed to accumulate in our previous relationship.

Because lovers who can’t work together don’t like to accept this fact, they have a tendency of breaking up and getting back together repeatedly.

Each time they take a break from each other, they come back and try to start fresh. But the problem is, they’re still carrying all that luggage. And sooner or later, they start to unpack. All the demons come out.

When love scars, it cuts deep. The pain isn’t easily forgotten and usually cannot be willfully forgotten. When you hurt the woman you love enough, she won’t come back to you. And because you still love her, you wouldn’t take her back even if she asked you to.

You don’t trust yourself not to hurt her again and even if you did, she wouldn’t trust you not to hurt her again. Relationships are built on trust and you shattered her trust.

Chances are, you both have bruises that have never fully healed and likely will never fully heal. And that’s just something you decided that you’ll have to live with. Why?

Because you really don’t have any other options. You just hope that the two of you find others to love so you can think about each other less and so you don’t have to worry about her happiness anymore.

You wait in hopes that new love can take the place of the old — which it can. But that doesn’t mean you will ever stop loving each other. Some people will love each other until the day they die, spending the majority of their lives apart. And so is the darker side of love.

Letting Go Of The Same Person Twice

It started off like anything else: a blossoming friendship with endless possibilities. Our conversations were fearless; we talked about everything there was to talk about and more. Our jokes were private, we would laugh over repeats that nobody else could understand. Our time wasted together was not time wasted.

The similarities we had surprised us in little instances, we loved the same things — not things like music or books — but more like the intangible things. Then soon it began to show, you always chose to sit with me at a dining table, you would happen to be going the same direction, our hands would always find an odd way of meeting, you had all of my favorite songs in your phone (even though you secretly never quite fancied Aerosmith). And with each day, you commenced with professing your adoration in the most obscured manner possible because you were never one of grand gestures. (But that was why I liked you so much.)

And at that point our friendship was an immense perfection that was difficult to achieve for anyone else. We were great friends but we were just a little more than friends.

I never understood what was in a title; to me, it was meaningless and carried many complications. I didn’t want to lose what we had because it couldn’t get any better than that. It was different for you, you were selfish and just a little more possessive. So from then, things took a downward spiral.

Our conversations got shorter and there was always a prior commitment at hand. You stopped trying. It was like déjà vu, but I wasn’t going to let history repeat itself where I was the fool who tried too hard and got hurt. I wasn’t ready to risk it all for what could have been another sloppy, sticky, stupid heartbreak. So I stopped trying and I let you go. I maintained a cool front around you but the what-if’s and could-have-been’s were constantly lingering at the back of my mind. It hurts to say this but I still think that I’d made the right decision in letting you walk out of my life rather than it be any other way.



However, I would have to take the blame for the distance that’s between us now. You haven’t changed at all since we met, but I have, I definitely have. I grew up; I became more ambitious and just a little colder. We now speak like old friends with a faraway memory because you have moved on and it’s time that I should too. So, when I let go of you now, I’m letting go of everything that we shared and our expired possibilities, and most of all, the idea of you and me and what could have been. And this is how I let go of the same person twice. TC mark

ranierlalalalalovesyou

Late Reaction! :”> (Ranier’s POV)

ranierlalalalalovesyou:

October 25, 2012 - Thursday. May lakad kaming tatlo nina Tatay(Kuya Doy) at ni Blackiee(Lita). Nagyaya kasi sila na manood ng Insidious sa apartment ni Tatay. Actually, ang unang naging usapan ay 9am. Dahil galing pa sa Tiaong si Tatay at mabagal kumilos si Blackie, 11am na nakarating sa amin si Blackie. Sabay kasi kaming pupunta sa apartment ni Kuya Doy. Bagyong bagyo ay movie marathon ang peg. Noong naglalakad na kami papuntang apartment, wagas naman kung hawiin ng hangin ang payong ko. Tawa lang ng tawa si Lita kasi niloloko ko pa nga ang payong niya eh, tapos yung payong ko pa ang nililipad. Yabang ko talaga. Hahaha! Tapos noong nasa apartment na kami, nilipat ko lang sa USB yung movie at presto! Panonoodin na namin yung movie. Isasalpak na yung movie at biglang nawalan ng kuryente. Ang pagkakamalas nga naman. :|

At dahil nawalan na ng kuryente, hindi na matutuloy ang aming movie marathon! (Malamang?!) Alangan namang tumunganga na lang kami dun. Kinuha ni Kuya Doy ang mga librong pinabili namin sa Recto. Ang dami nung kay Lita! 4 na libro, 3 lang naman ang akin. Sauce! At dahil dun may dala si Lita na JEJE BAG! Hahaha! Utas na! Mukhang jejemon si Lita! Hahaha!

Kinukuha lang yung books ay kagulo na yung dalawa. Okay, OP me. Para libro ay pinagkakaguluhan. Hindi ko naman alam kubng bakit. Mga excited ata eh. Inabot na ni Kuya Doy yung mga libro ni Lita, tapos inabot na rin sa akin ang Oblicon ko. Wala pa sa akin yung fintwo at TOA2 ko. Inabot kay Lita ang Fintwo ko at nakay Kuya Doy naman ang TOA2 ko. AT HINDI PA NILA BINIBIGAY SA AKIN! Ang gulo nila. Tapos isa isa nilang binigay yung libro. Yaaaan! Kumalma din yung dalawa. Tapos nung nasa akin na both books, bigla nilang sinabing “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”. OP na naman ako. Hindi ko gets. Sorry na, slow eh! Bakit ba! Hahaha. Back to the story! Hindi ko pa rin gets! Anong HBD? Kasi nakapula si Kuya Doy? O dahil pula ang TOA2? Sabi ni Lita, “Ma-touch ka naman!”. *processing, processing*. GETS KO NA! Pero hindi ako na-touch, speechless lang, Di ko alam ang sasabihin ko. Hahaha! Pa-birthday nila sa akin nina Lita yung dalawang libro. Para iyon, hindi ko kaagad nagets. Sorry na! Hahaha! Okay, touched na ako. :”>

Back to reality! Wala pa ding kuryente! :(. Pinapauwi ko na si Lita! Sabi ni Kuya Doy manood daw kami ng sine. Payag naman kami at direcho sa SM. 11am turning 12pm na at hindi na kami abot sa simula ng movie. Hindi pa namin alam kung anong papanoorin. Secret Affair baga o Tiktik. Panoorin daw namin ang kapatid ni Lita (Tiktik), so pumunta kami sa kabilang dulo. Kaso noong nandun na kami, nagbago naman ang isip namin. Secret Affair na lang daw. So balik kami sa kabilang dulo. Aah! Ang gulo! Hahaha! Sayang ang oras eh. Bili ng ticket, bili ng pagkain at pasok na sa loob. Pagkapasok ay nakasigaw kaagad itong si Kuya Doy. At pagkapasok namin ay pwet agad ni Derek ang nakaflash. So tawanan na agad (Sorry na! Part talaga yun ng kwento eh). Nood nood! 1pm na at gusto nang umalis ni Lita pero hindi rin siya nakaalis kasi ayaw namin siyang paalisin. Wala kaming maaaway. At natapos ang movie at ayaw pa namin umuwi kahit si Lita ay kating kati na umuwi. Lol! Pero si nagyaya pa si kuya Doy ng isa pang movie, Apparition daw. Bale, horror (daw) yun! Konti lang ang nanonood at dahil malakas ang lob namin, dun kami sa baba nanood. Anim lang kami na nasa baba, 3 kami, 2 strangers there, at 1 stranger there. Hindi naman siya nakakatakot eh. Paiyak na yung katabi ko pag nagugulat, at tawa lang ako ng tawa. Naging comedy ang horror eh. Yun natapos ang movie nang hindi namin naintindihan ang nangyayari. Lol. At dahil paalis na kami ng sinehan, sumigaw ulit itong si Kuya Doy! Lakas ng loob! At nakalimutan ang payong sa pinanoodan namin ng Secret Affair! Hahaha!

Pagkatapos ng movie marathon, oras na para umuwi. Nagmamakaawa na itong si Lita. Dahil, nabagyo pa din, sa terminal na kami sumakay. Actually, ayaw pa naming pauwiin si Litz. Nagyaya pa kami ng timezone, kaso ayaw talagang papigil ni Lita. Hahaha! Kinuha namin ang bag nya para hindi pa rin siya makauwi. Hindi makasakay ng jeep kasi wala sa kany ang bag nya plus yung jeje bag na pinaglagyan ng libro. Siguro nagtagal kami dun ng mga 20 mins habang pinagtrtripan si Litz. Kawawa naman. Binigay na rin namin yung bag. Baka magalit. Hahahaha! Sorry na. :P

After nun, umuwi na kami. Baha na sa Lipa, buti di pa baha sa baha. Pagkauwi ko, binalikan ko yung libro. Noong time palang ako natouched sa regalo nilang dalawa. Hahaha! Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala.

— Ang haba ng kwento ko ano? Take note, bagyong bagyo noong mga panahon na iyan ha? Lakas ng trip makalabas ng bahay! Hahaha! Yun lang, sobrang saya lang. Nakalabas din ng bahay! Batong bato na ako sa kwarto ko eh. Tamang tama din naman kasi walang kuryente. Hahaha! Sana maulit pa. THE END! =))

ranierlalalalalovesyou

Walang Magawa Part2!

ranierlalalalalovesyou:

At dahil 1pm pa naman ang klase ko bukas, itutuloy ko ang aking Tumblr update. (Ka-demanding kasi ni Litz! Haha!)

image

MEET THE PAMILYA! (Anak, Blackie, and Tatay Doy)

Actually, ako naman ang unang mag uupdate ng Tumblr, kaso naunahan ako ng dalawa. Nahiya naman ako. Hahaha!

MEET THE PAMILYA! Actually, nai-kwento ko na sila dito. Yung Late Reaction :”> (Ranier’s POV)? Remember that? Muntimang lang yung picture kasi original picture ko yan at in-edit lang nila at nilagay ang mga mukha nila. Dami ko namang tawa mga 69! Hahaha. (Namana ko lang yan, kanino pa ba?) Sorry na!

Yon! Di ko maimagine na ang close na pala naming tatlo. Dati lang ay iniiwasan ko dati si Lita kasi gagalawin lang kami ng friends nya (OPO, CRUSH AKO NI LITA! Joke!), at sa tuwing makakasalubong naman namin si Kuya Doy, syempre igagalaw naman namin siya kay,——- LITA! Hahaha! (OPO, CRUSH KAMING MAG-AMA NI LITA!) Sorry na Litz! Makapal ang face here. Lol.

As I was saying (English ito!), hindi ko alam kung paano kami naging close. Basta, close kami at malapit itong dalawang ito sa puso ko. (Maka-puso ah?! Ma-touch kayo!). Masaya ako pag kausap ko ang dalawang ito. Yung tipong paggising ko sa umaga, text na kaagad ng natulugan (Kuya Doy) ang mababasa ko at ang sama daw ng feeling na natulugan. (Parang hindi nila ako tinutulugan ano?). Halos araw-araw na namin kausap ang isa’t-isa nuong nakaraang sembreak hanggang ngayon at hindi kami nagsasawa. Naalala ko pa nung birthday ko, si Lita lang ang kausap ko sa phone kasi tulog na yung isang bata at bago naman magtapos ang birthday ko, si Lita naman yung tulog at hindi na umabot sa birthday ko yung text ni Tatay. Ang fail! Pero kahit ganun, naging masaya pa rin ako. At syempre, ang pinakafavorite ko kapag may conference call kami, ANG PAGTULA! Hindi po siya technically tumutula talaga. Basta! Mahirap ipaliwanag. Yon! Dun nagsimula ang laglagan, asaran, at mga lokohan. Siyempre kaming dalawa lagi ni Lita ang kawawa. Syempre hindi natatapos ang lahat sa conference call. At dahil uso ang internet sa amin at photoshop, gumagawa din si Tatay ng "Meme". As usual kami na naman ni Lita ang kawawa. At dahil dyan, nauso ang mga katagang, “Because in my eyes’ it’s only me and you!” at “Kung Siya’y Iiwan mo, Akin ka na Lang!”. At syempre ang mala-epic na ”Princess and Mich-ay”! at ang “ Hold-your-batok-sa-DP edition!” Hahahaha! Dami ko talagang tawa sa mga iyan. konti lang iyan sa mga kaligayahan namin, expect for more. >:))

Ewan ko pero mahal ko na itong dalawa na ito! Lagi akong masaya sa dalawang ito. Kahit may sari-sarili kaming barkada, mahal pa rin namain ang isa’t-isa. At kahit anong mangyari, kami pa rin ang Pamilya. Hanggang sa muli! Paalam! (Parang cartoon lang?!). 

END. :)

roman-george
roman-george:

Dahil uso ang new friends sa akin. At may nag-request.
I think I’m in love. Yes, I’m in love! In love ako sa mga new friends ko. (Nakakadiri to) Ako ay lubhang nasisiyahan sa mga mabilis na pangyayaring ito. Yung dati e nakakasalubong mo lang sila tapos minsan e maiiyamot ka lang pag makikita mo sila (Joke lang to. Hahaha) tapos ngayon e close na close na kayo. Yung nag-feeling bata na ako (Which is true naman). 
Ang aking Anak na si Ranier at ang alagang asong si Lita. 
Hindi ko alam pero parang kulang ang araw at gabi ko nang hindi sila nakakausap man lang. (Libre mo niyo dito sa sinabi kong to). Gusto ko lagi silang kausap. Kanina nga nung Costing time, haling haling ko nang madukot ang phone ko. Pero hindi pwede. (Totoo to. Hahaha!) Di ko alam. Anong nangyari sa amin. Pamilya na din turing ko sa kanila. (Natotouch na ba kayo?) Ika-dudugo ng puso ko pag nawala sila. (Kaya wag kayong magpakamatay! Nge) Masaya ako kapag kasama sila, pag kausap sila. Pag inaasar namin si Blackie. Ang weird lang na crush na crush kami ni Blackie, I mean, patay na patay sa amin si Blackie dati tapos ngayon e natuhog na niya kaming dalawa. Di ko lang alam kung hanggang ngayon. Hahaha! Oh diba, nagtagumpay siya sa plano niya. Masaya lang kapag conference call, kasi nagagalit ang laging tinutulugan. Kaya lagi akong galit. Ba, sama kaya sa pakiramdam ng tulugan ka! Bwisit. Si Lita na lang lagi ang natulog. Urgh. 
Every moment I spend with you is a moment I treasure. I don’t wanna close my eyes, I don’t wanna fall asleep kase baog ang nangtutulog. Hahaha! Ewan ko pero mahal na mahal na mahal ko na tong dalawang ito. Hindi man kami magka-batch (Never ever tayong magiging magka-batch! I don’t regret na hindi ko kayo kabatch. Hahaha!), e naging ganito kami. May sariling lakad, sariling barkada, sariling pamilya. (AY TAMA NA TO! HAHAHA) 
Basta, mahal na mahal ko kayong dalawa, alam niyo yan. :)

roman-george:

Dahil uso ang new friends sa akin. At may nag-request.

I think I’m in love. Yes, I’m in love! In love ako sa mga new friends ko. (Nakakadiri to) Ako ay lubhang nasisiyahan sa mga mabilis na pangyayaring ito. Yung dati e nakakasalubong mo lang sila tapos minsan e maiiyamot ka lang pag makikita mo sila (Joke lang to. Hahaha) tapos ngayon e close na close na kayo. Yung nag-feeling bata na ako (Which is true naman). 

Ang aking Anak na si Ranier at ang alagang asong si Lita. 

Hindi ko alam pero parang kulang ang araw at gabi ko nang hindi sila nakakausap man lang. (Libre mo niyo dito sa sinabi kong to). Gusto ko lagi silang kausap. Kanina nga nung Costing time, haling haling ko nang madukot ang phone ko. Pero hindi pwede. (Totoo to. Hahaha!) Di ko alam. Anong nangyari sa amin. Pamilya na din turing ko sa kanila. (Natotouch na ba kayo?) Ika-dudugo ng puso ko pag nawala sila. (Kaya wag kayong magpakamatay! Nge) Masaya ako kapag kasama sila, pag kausap sila. Pag inaasar namin si Blackie. Ang weird lang na crush na crush kami ni Blackie, I mean, patay na patay sa amin si Blackie dati tapos ngayon e natuhog na niya kaming dalawa. Di ko lang alam kung hanggang ngayon. Hahaha! Oh diba, nagtagumpay siya sa plano niya. Masaya lang kapag conference call, kasi nagagalit ang laging tinutulugan. Kaya lagi akong galit. Ba, sama kaya sa pakiramdam ng tulugan ka! Bwisit. Si Lita na lang lagi ang natulog. Urgh. 

Every moment I spend with you is a moment I treasure. I don’t wanna close my eyes, I don’t wanna fall asleep kase baog ang nangtutulog. Hahaha! Ewan ko pero mahal na mahal na mahal ko na tong dalawang ito. Hindi man kami magka-batch (Never ever tayong magiging magka-batch! I don’t regret na hindi ko kayo kabatch. Hahaha!), e naging ganito kami. May sariling lakad, sariling barkada, sariling pamilya. (AY TAMA NA TO! HAHAHA) 

Basta, mahal na mahal ko kayong dalawa, alam niyo yan. :)

roman-george

Suddenly, I felt love.

roman-george:

Doy’s POV

image

At dahil kating kati na si Ranier na mag-post ako ng POV ko ng mga nangyari sa aming tatlo nung December 21, 2012. Ito na oh. Iiyak ka ha? Hahaha.

Kahit na tatatlo kami, may Christmas Party kami. Syempre, may exchange gift din kami. Ang nabunot ko ay si Ranier at Lita. Okay, dalawa kasi dapat ang mabubunot, so yung dalawang nabunot ko ay si Ranier at Lita. (Sino pa ba, duh? Tatatlo naman. Hahaha!)

20th of December.

Shopping! Bumalik ako ng Lipa para mamili ng ireregalo kay Anak at Blackie. Sabay kami bumili ni Ranier ng gift kay Lita. Dahil nga malandi itong si Lita, headband at ipit na pang-katulong ang regalo ni Ranier. At ako, kailangan naming humingi ng assistance dahil maselan ang regalo ko kay Lita. It’s a ***. Hahahaha! Ayun, utas na kami kasi di alam kung anong size. Ahem! Tapos naghiwalay na din us kasi bibili pa kami ng gift para sa isa’t isa. Nagpunta ako ng Penshoppe dahil pabango na sobrang bango (Uy, ang tuwa niyan) ni Ranier ang regalo ko dun. Tas bili bili din ng boxes at ribbon kasi ayoko ng wrapper. Tapos binili ko din pala si Lita ng Gluta para naman pumuti. Sana umepek sa balat niya. Haha! Tas nag dinner na kami ni Ranier sa, as asual, Mcdo dahil gutom na kami.

Biglaang overnight! Umuwi na kami. Tapos nagrereklamo ako kay Lita na mag-isa ako sa apartment. Kaya naisip naming na magpasama ako kay Ranier. At dahil malapit lang naman ang bahay namin, okay agad. At manonood ulit kami ng Insidous. Natatawa na lang kami kapag napapasigaw ako, tapos lights off pa. Di na ako duwag! Si Ranier, natakot kasi, napapikit lang ako e todo gising na sa akin kasi siya na lang ang nanonood. Utas! Haha. After ng movie e umakyat na kami sa kwarto dahil tutulog na. Pero nag-usap pa kami ng mga 2 hours na parang nag-uusap lang sa cellphone. Share lang. Lol. 

21st of December.

Plano sana naming na mag pancakes ng mga 5 am pero din a natuloy kasi 9 am na kami bumangon.  Hahaha. At pareho pala kaming gising na ng 7am. Akala namin e tulog pa ang isa’t isa. Kaya muntimang kami na nag-aantayan na magising though gising na kami pareho. Hay, buhay. Hahaha! Umuwi na siya dahil maliligo pa at aayusin ang gifts!

Exchange gifts! Nag-antay lang ako sa apt. Tagal ah, muntik pang hindi matuloy kasi naulan at hindi makaalis si Lita. Pero dumating na din sila ng mga past 12. May dala si Lita na brownies na hindi man lang ako nakatikim dahil matamis, tas may dala din si Ranier na 2 boxes ng banana muffin! :> Ang sarap nun. Amin yung isang box. At yung isang box ay regalo namin ni Ranier sa Marquez family (Ang sweet namin oh) Ang sarap talaga, di lang maka move-on.  Since excited na kami sa reaction ni Lita sa gifts namin ay nag exchange gift na kami. Syempre, una yung akin. Kinabahan si Lita habang binubuksan. And tadan! Nagwala na ang aso namin! Nalimutan naming itali. Sorry na? Hahaha! Ayun, prinocess pa niya sa sarili niya kung bakit yun ang regalo ko, the pink ***. Nagandahan naman siya sa design kaya keri lang. Nakay Ranier ang video ng epic reaction! Hahaha. And binigay na rin ni Ranier ang kanya, the headband na natuwa din si Lita. Lol. Tapos nag-exchange gift na din kami ni Ranier, ang saya saya ko dahil kaganda nung damit na regalo niya sakin. Syempre, sinuot ko kaagad para magkakakulay din kaming tatlo. :> Oha! Di maka move on, ang ganda talaga! (Matouch ka!) Tapos inabot ko na din regalo ko sa kanyang pabango. Saktong ubos na yung pabango niya, so dapat tipidin niya! Dapat e aabot ng isang taon para yun nalang regalo ko ulit next year. Hahaha, OA here. At may pahabol pa siyang gift. Ang Spiderman na hanky for Lita, at Barney hanky for me. Bakit ba kasi Barney, e di naman ako nanonood nun. Lol. Pero keri lang, basta galing sa kanya ay ayos lang. Hahaha! At nag-abot na din si Lita ng gifts. Oooooops, nawala pala wallet niya, kaya hangin pa lang ang regalo samin. Okay lang, mahal naman niya kami. :”) Hahahaha! Ihahabol mo yang mga regalo mo ha! Lol.

Friendship baller and hanky! At dahil makulimlim ang ulap, di matutuloy ang manila-paper-drama namin sa Oval or Eternal. Sa apt na lang kami humiga. Nakatulog na lang kami ni Ranier. Ewan ko kay Lita kung anong ginawa. Pinagnasahan ata kami. Tinitigan kami habang tulog. Hahaha! Kapal here. Almost past 2:00 na ata kami bumangon at nagising. Then nag-ayos na kami dahil gutom na gutom na kami eh. Umalis na kami, at kakain sa Greenwich. Dahil wala pang seats ay pumunta muna kami ng Toys R Us para bumawi sa kawalangyaan ni Ranier. Binili namin siya ng Panyo. Remember na Barney at Spidey ang amin ni Lita, sa kanya ay Dora! Pink pa yung panyo! Hahaha. Magdusa ka Ranier. Pero alam naming natouch pa din siya kasi galing sa amin yun. Oha. At habang nagbabayad na si Lita sa counter e nakakita kami ni Ranier ng baller na Spongebob. At dahil isip bata kami nung mga oras na iyon ay binili namin. Tig-isa kami. Libre ko na sa kanila yun, oha! May frienship baller na kami na muntimang tingnan. Pero ayos lang, naaalala ko naman sila lagi through this baller. (Matouch na talaga kayo!)

First ever photo together! Bumalik na kami sa Greenwhich, kain kain din. Tapos e balik na agad kami sa apt para sa first ever picture namin together. Tinakbo ko pa from nowhere yung SLR para lang sa photo naming tatlo. Muntimang pa, hindi maitama sa gitna ang picture. Tas ang fail pa ni Ranier, pinindot ng wala pang self-timer kaya ayun, nagmukhang porn yung isang photo! Hahaha. Anyway, ang pogi talaga namin ng Anak ko. At ang itim naman ni Lita dun sa photos. At dahil dun, kailangan naming i-edit yung brightness. Pwede pa nga pa lang i-crop, pahirap pa kami na ayusin yung SLR na igitna. Hahaha! At may nadiscover pa kami ni Lita sa memory card ni Ranier, mga HS-Jeje photos. Naka-save pa sa laptop ko, sino may gusto ng copies? Limang piso lang isa. Lol. At dahil dun, nakapag-wrestling pa kami ng wala sa oras. Niwrestling ako ni Ranier para lang makuha yung memory card niya. Utas! At si Lita, hindi man lang ako tinulungan. Salamat ha? Hahaha. At ayun, nagpahinga na kami. At dahil paalis na din si Lita, nagprepare na kami. Sisimba din kasi kami ni Ranier sa Capilla. At kailangan na din talaga umuwi ni Lita, di na namin pinilit na mag-stay. Oha, bait namin sa part na yun. Lol. Umalis na kami sa apt with smile on our faces! Umalis na si Lita at nagsimba na kami ni Ranier. :)

Reaction: Since reaction paper ito. Kailangan may reaction. Hahaha! Muntimang. Ayun, ako e masayang masaya nung araw na yun. Why? Kasi kasama ko sila. Mahal na maha ko yang dalawang yan. Yung kahit na halos natulog lang kami nung araw na yun e masaya pa din kasi, magkakapiling kami. Drama lang! Haha. Di ko kasi akalain na kahit iba ang year level ko (Pero magkakalapit lang and age :>), eh magiging close kami! Sabi nga ni Ranier na galing sa akin, BF at GF ko na yang dalawang yan! Mahalan kami lagi. Yung tipong nung gabing yun miss na agad namin ang isa’t isa. Ewan ko, in love na ako sa dalawang to. In-friend-love. :”> Di ko iiwan ang dalawang to. Though maiiwan ko sila kapag naka-graduate na ako. Pero di ko sila kakalimutan. At babalik naman ako, duh? Bibisitahin niyo pa ako sa review school diba? Hahaha. Mauuna lang talaga ako maging CPA, at mauuna silang maging proud! Sabi nga namin, make each other proud! :> Kahit na may sarili kaming barkada, di pa din namin hahayaan na mawalan ng time kami sa isa’t isa. At ang pagpasok ko ng 9am (Kahit minsan ay late, sorry na Lita?) pag TTh kahit walang akong class, at yung tipong aantayin ko ang class nila pag TTh para lang makasama ko sila ng 30 minutes lang (5:30-6:00). Yun lang ang time namin eh. Basta! Whatever happens, twogether fourever kami! Mahal ko ang Anak ko, mahal ko ang Aso ko! Hahahaha. Miss na miss ko na kayong dalawa! I love you both! :”) 

Love, TATAY | DOY

For When You’re Tired Of Being Taken For Granted by XIU YING LUU

So here we are again, in this place where the distance between us has suddenly widened due to a catalyst of which I’m not aware. Where pride is paramount and stubbornness has led to an awkward silence and neither party willing to make the first move. 
 
I don’t get why it’s turned out like this, and I don’t see why this should’ve happened. In actual fact, I’m the one with more reason to walk away than you do; I’m the one with more excuses to say that it isn’t worth putting up with things anymore. Having stuck by as long as I have, and having endured as much as I did, I should be given a medal — an award for my continued patience to the treatment I’d received but no, this is your stuff. This is your own personal issues getting in the way and God forbid if I went and asked you, you’d actually tell me the truth.
 
I don’t know how I feel about this. At the moment I’m angry, but tomorrow I’ll probably feel a little sad. Actually, I don’t think I’m angry — that would imply that my feelings towards you are mainly negative. I think a better word would be is that I’m frustrated.
 
I’m frustrated by the fact that you’re so closed off. I’m frustrated by the fact that in your mind it was better to just cut the strings without talking to me first. I’m frustrated by the fact that even though I value what was our friendship more than I value most, that if I tried to get the full story I know the likelihood is is that you’d respond to me with an ever so polite “screw off”.
 
And what frustrates me most is that you’re just so frustrating in general. Incomprehensibly frustrating. Unexplainably.
 
Is the reason why we can’t be friends anymore because I have a greater sense of my self worth nowadays? Did you walk away because I’m not as available as I used to be and won’t drop everything I’m doing because my phone is going off? Because of the fact that if I get pissed off, I no longer feel the desire to stick around longer than I can stand and I’d rather go home and be on my own than just suck it up for the sake of feeling involved? 
 
Every now and again, you’d say or imply that nobody cared about you, and that you don’t give a damn about anyone or even yourself. You lived and still live your life with reckless abandon and play things by ear — by the day-to-day rather than thinking about the long-term. You failed to notice the people around you who came back time after time and after incident after incident. Why would they still be there if they didn’t care? Why I have stayed if I didn’t care? Why would you have been one of the few people I asked about the moment I woke up from incubation in hospital having forgotten that before I went in, we weren’t even friends anymore?
 
You’re a pain, you know. I mean that honestly. You dislike people who aren’t up front but get pissed when someone builds up the gall to stand up for themselves and talk back to you. You immediately shut them down and that’s one of the biggest reasons why I personally am choosing to just accept this for what it is and not put up a fight. You are beyond reason. I can see you blowing up and calling me every name under the sun to avoid actually being honest and hashing things out like adults.
 
I’m tired. I’m tired of sticking up for you and justifying the things you do and have done. I’m tired of hearing about how behind my back you disrespect and make fun of me in spite of the things I’ve done for you. I’m tired of the things I’ve done without asking for anything back being disregarded and I’m tired of feeling used.

Most of all: I’m tired of feeling like I’ve been taken for granted.
 
I’m not going to say something as cliche as “I have a lot going on”. I do, but that isn’t the reason why I’ve given up. Until the day comes where you can function as an adult and respect the choices I’ve made as a good friend should do (unless there was something incredibly wrong that you felt the need to protect me from) I don’t see how this can be fixed. We’ve gone through the motions of love, hate, respect, resentment, and I can’t say that I’ll just forget about this and act like I never knew you.
 
I said you meant a lot to me. I’ve said that I see you as family. It just goes to show in the way you went about things that I was naive to think you could feel the same.
 
See you on the other side.

Exactly.

liiitz

To The Boy I Never Officially Dated

liiitz:

We never officially dated.

Not really, anyway. Sure, we went on a handful of cute dates over the course of a month. Sure, I remember the unadulterated joy I’d felt every morning when I woke up to a text from you. And sure I remember the electricity I’d felt when you put your hand around my waist and leaned in to whisper something in my ear when we went dancing on our third date (I still didn’t hear what you said, but I smiled and nodded anyway).

But we never officially dated. Because after that handful of dates, you pulled away. I was okay with it — he’ll come back, I figured. He just needs space. We had perhaps been texting too much — always initiated by you, I might add — and I could do with some space myself. But after over a week of barely hearing from you and waiting up to 24-hours for a reply when I did, I reached out. And eight hours later, you replied asking if we could just be friends.

I’ll never understand what happened — I know I did nothing wrong — but I agreed anyway, perhaps foolishly. Because while I knew I wanted more, we were so compatible that I honestly thought we could make it work. And besides, I was still new to the city and didn’t yet have any gay friends, of which you had a lot. I’d heard all about them, and I still wanted to meet them.

So we became friends. And things went back to normal. You started texting me all the time again and asking me out for drinks (where you were still pretty flirty, but I told myself that’s just how you are with everyone). “We almost dated” might be the weirdest type of friendship one can have with someone, but I’d be damned if it didn’t feel right.

So why did my stomach sink when you posted that picture of you kissing another guy on Instagram?

Was it because you had never even mentioned that you were casually dating anyone, let alone seeing someone seriously enough to publicly show off your affections to the entire world?

Was it because even though we agreed to be friends, I never had proper closure, and as such had retained a bit of a residual crush?

Was it because it had been less than two weeks since you asked if we could be friends?

All of the above, probably.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not mad at you. You did nothing wrong, technically. But I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been listening to my fair share of “Fuck Boys” playlists on 8tracks. I’d be lying if I said you weren’t still my 3AM thoughts. I’d be lying if I said every time my phone buzzes, I don’t secretly hope it’s you. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still want you in my life on some level.

But I can’t be your friend anymore. Because while I’ve started saying yes to the guys that ask me out again, I need to stop subconsciously comparing them to you. I need to stop wondering if you and your new guy fit together as perfectly as we did. I need to stop feeling insane, insecure, and irrational all at once. But most of all, I need to let myself be happy again. And you need to let me be happy, too.

So I’m sorry that I’ve stopped replying to your texts, and I’m sorry that I unfriended you on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. But I couldn’t look at another picture of you smiling that smile that I had grown so fond of with your arms wrapped around someone else, or see another tweet about happy and in love you are. I hope you understand that it’s just something I needed to do to move on as you so clearly have from me.

But I’d be lying if I said I don’t still hope that sometimes you wonder about me.

How Do You Know When You Really Know Someone?

What can we actually know about someone? What, exactly, does it even mean to know someone? Is it possible it’s as simple as a name to a face?

Imagine an ordinary day. As always, you are consumed by the current of our own life — committed to it, if you are one of the lucky few who keeps pace with time in an equally definitive and deliberate manner. Either way, you find yourself making your way through the day, accompanied by the usual cohort of stresses, ideas, anticipations, plans, and daydreams. Suddenly, though, one face among many which you do not recognize becomes familiar. Can you believe it? It’s such-and-such from whatchamacallit! What a funny coincidence. You see the face — you think the name — you stop and say hello (or you awkwardly become enthralled in a nonexistent text to avoid eye contact) — but there is connection, recognition. Perhaps this constitutes knowing someone.

Or maybe, knowing someone is an endeavor to be measured by a matter of degrees — varying milestones on the scale determined by meeting corresponding quotas and quality of information. Think: Frank is a pescatarian, he plays in his company’s beach volleyball league in the summer, he majored in Political Science but works at an accounting firm now, he was born in ’86, has three older brothers and one younger sister, speaks a little bit of Portuguese, and could eat Cheerios on a daily basis and never tire of them. By most definitions, it would be fair to say you know Frank. Whether or not you know him better than any other of your friends, acquaintances, relatives, or old flames is a matter of comparison far too subjective to be conclusive.

By that definition, you can come to know someone by asking them a series of questions and committing their answers to memory until you know them like you know your parents’ home phone number — with or without pneumonic device, it’s in your brain. But there is something not quite right about knowing someone in that sense, in a manner that mirrors studying or memorizing; like a puzzle piece that looks like it should absolutely be the one but won’t quite mold to the edges of its neighbors, it’s slightly off.

To me, this feeling resonates from what I acknowledge as a probably romanticized notion of what it means to really know someone. I think knowing someone is so much more than having a respectable slew of facts about them — even if the list includes the somewhat obscure or uncommon — and surely more meaningful and more deeply rooted than the one dimensional aspect of recognizing someone. That simply removes them from the category of stranger.

Knowing someone, in its best, most soul-quenching sense, is reciprocal and nuanced and earned in ways that the exchanging of facts can never be. Facts are still acquired, but there is a wider, more eclectic array, and they are gained in a much more satisfying way — a way that intermixes with the thoughts you’ve possessed for years — they become unquestionable, unforgettable.

Knowing someone is a cumulation of shared experiences, of stumbling upon mannerisms and quirks. It lends itself to an organic ability to anticipate their reaction to things — to know when and how their anger will thaw, what sparks their passion and what that passion looks like, what constitutes an expression of their love. It’s recognizing something as monumental that would appear inconsequential to the untrained — or shall I say, unknowing — eye.

It’s knowing when they’re awkward, and feeling a bubbling laughter at the juxtaposition of their awkward state with their typical existential ease. It’s knowing when they’re in their element, and feeling a sense of pride at how they shine.

It’s being willing to be disappointed by them because they are worthy of your expectations. It’s seeing their flaws — the surface ones, the silly ones, the painful ones, the permanent ones — and respecting, loving, challenging, and accepting them, respectively.

It’s allowing the vulnerability to have your own flaws on display — to expose them for scrutiny, only to find that they are respected, loved, challenged, and accepted. It’s coming to see yourself through the eyes of someone whose opinions and thoughts you cherish and respect, and in so doing, learning to further cherish and respect yourself.

It’s the simplicity in their presence and its ability to transform monotonous into memorable, the mundane into an adventure.

It’s knowing what makes them irreplaceable, what makes them weird beyond belief, what makes them insightful. It’s knowing which experiences have helped mold them into who they are — which have smoothed their rough edges, which have left them with toughened skin. It’s being as willing to share your secrets with them as you are committed to protecting theirs. It’s knowing that at their worst, their best is still visible; that at their best, their worst is insignificant.

It’s still knowing useless, nonsensical things about them, and finding relevance in these facts with surprising ease. It’s knowing that they like eating sun-dried tomatoes and regular tomatoes together. It’s knowing that they’re really not into period films. It’s knowing that they had their name changed years into their life, and knowing what the old name was. It’s calling them that name every once in a while when they least expect it. It’s knowing that they will never stop wanting to chase a butterfly when they see it. It’s knowing their favorite food. It’s knowing what they’re allergic to. It’s knowing what topic shuts them down, which gets them going. It’s knowing how to hit them with the hardest “would you rather” question, and it’s the smug satisfaction in that victory, as they can’t help but acknowledge that wow, you really know them.

It’s being comfortable in silence with them, because it is only quiet, not a void in need of fillers — because keeping their company is as natural in silence as it is in engaged conversation as it is in laughter. It’s knowing when their silence is serene, and when their silence makes a statement. It’s knowing their vices, their yearnings, their insecurities.

Knowing someone, in all these senses, is not a one-way street. It’s a complex, interconnected, beautifully alive and dynamic experience. It meets your own existence at its core, shaping it and awakening it, and becoming a part of your own knowledge of yourself. It is a process that integrates itself into the instinctual patterns of your very being; it is a pulsing presence without ever being an imposition.

As I attempted to articulate my idea of the real meaning of knowing someone, it unraveled so organically that I discovered my own definition of what it means to know someone as I wrote it. To me, knowing someone is loving them, and it is the merging of the two experiences until they become inseparable. Or, at the very least, that’s the best way I can think of to know someone.